My burden of love and my shame
I remember the first time I ever saw holly. I was stocking shelves and she was shopping with her son, I noticed her right away wearing the things she loves tank top and black pants. She was angel and so beautiful. I asked my friend Natalie whom I worked with and found out that she worked at my store. We started off flirting and I found almost any opportunity to be close to her and she flirted back and soon we were texting. We clicked in every way. We had the same sense of humor, taste in music, shows, movies, we loved the same holidays. And my heart was quickly filling up with her.
But then I did the most unforgettable and hurtful thing possible. This woman whom I loved, I had cheated on her with the woman I was with. Seeing the hurt I inflicted upon holly really hit me hard. I was disgusted and despised who I was. As someone who had been previously cheated on by an ex I should of known the pain it caused. But I didn’t recognize what I had become.
That was relationship was ending as I soon discovered that she was just a selfish, toxic, woman who basically was manipulating and using me. She never supported me or tried to be there for me. I chose holly because that’s who I saw my future with, the future I had been trying to obtain for years. I had finally met the woman I was destined to be with.
I worked time and time again to prove to her how much I loved her. How much I was In love with her and wanted to be with her. I had never felt this way about anyone before. I wanted her to see that I was always devoted and dedicated to her, appreciated her even when I forgot to say it. And when things finally started looking up my mom passed away unexpectedly. It was holly who was there to comfort me and hold me as I cried on the phone to hear my mom wasn’t going to survive. Holly was the first person I went to for everything. Not only was she comforting me in my time of grief and need but she was extremely supportive in my time of need as well as my family.
After my mom passed I got a tattoo because things were still tough and I was depressed and upset. The tattoo was a reminder that “I'll never fuck up again” unfortunately I did fuck up again. I let myself be controlled by my depression and fear of losing anyone close to me I become more closed off struggling to solve problems on my own instead of using the support and love from holly that she made tremendous effort to give.
The next couple of months were the hardest. We were entering into the Holiday seasons and it was the first ones I would spend without my mom. I was also taking on a new promotion at work which put a toll on me and holly. I was also hating myself because holly would never get to spend that family time with my mom like she already should have been but hadn’t because I was an Asshole. I know my mom would have loved her. She even mentioned how pretty she was at my sisters wedding which was the only time my mom saw her.I regret that I didn't bring holly around earlier in our relationship so my mom would have learned to love her just as I know she would. She smiles down on my from above happy that I had met holly and holly was there to help.
The rest of my family accepted holly right away and I was grateful for that. No previous girlfriend or relationship had ever been accepted by my family. It was just further proof that my heart was with the right person. After the holidays the next 8 months flew by. We had ups and downs. And I continued to struggle with my emotions and trying to get us to the place I thought would make us the ultimate happy. But I was to focused on the future that I wasn’t living in the present where I should have been.
I wasn’t showing her my happiness that she brought me. I was in a place to be with the perfect woman. Someone I could fully commit to, never lie, cheat, or hold anything back. She’s my best friend and the person I look to when I just need a venting session. I can always look at her and just instantly smile. She is the most beautiful woman inside and outside, she’s smart, funny, a dreamer, and I couldn’t ask for anymore. I will always be committed to loving her, cherish, adore, respect her, support her dreams, be a partner when she needs one. I wanna be her rock when she needs it and also the one to help lift her up so she can soar like I know she can. She has so much in her that I see like no one before.
She has shown me that I never lost that piece of me I had years ago. All I needed was to open up and let her in and show her my love in return. To give up ME for US. I want to show her that the mistakes of the past can be past and not repeated.
I want all the things we planned for our future. I want to marry holly something I have never truly wanted to commit to before but with her I was happily ready to be married. I want to have kids with holly, buy a house and get pets together with holly. I wanna choose her first for every occasion. Never allow work to interfere, spend every holiday with her family. Never miss an important event, birthday or family function. This is why I chose to redo my tattoo, not only will I never fuck up again, I will never fuck up again with the woman who has captured my heart. She is and will continue to be the only person I’ve ever truly and fully been in love with. There will never be another. That’s why I am more than comfortable enough knowing that tattooing it on me is never a mistake.
The person I was meant to be for you that I promised I would be is not gone, he was just trapped under the surface of my depression. That loving, caring, supportive, romantic person is still in love with you and still there for you. The guy who laughed and joked with you, who could just sit and stare at you for hours and smile, who spent every waking minute thinking about you and when he was going to see you is still there. The dinners out, the visits at work, the kitty cat battles, goat faces, our funny dances, the sticky notes we leave each other, the words we make up like lovastinga, the walks in the park playing together with pax, the carnivals, and trips to the zoo and see lights, plans to take vacations together. He’s still there. He just needed to be reawakened and learn to let go of the stuff that doesn’t matter.
I acknowledge I made the worst mistake anyone ever can. I will spend my entire life apologizing for that. I won’t always love you like I did in the beginning because I’m going to continue to love you more every single day. As long as we’re together you will never have to worry about where I am at, what I am doing, how I am feeling. I would show you everyday with all that I am capable of and try to give you even more
But then I did the most unforgettable and hurtful thing possible. This woman whom I loved, I had cheated on her with the woman I was with. Seeing the hurt I inflicted upon holly really hit me hard. I was disgusted and despised who I was. As someone who had been previously cheated on by an ex I should of known the pain it caused. But I didn’t recognize what I had become.
That was relationship was ending as I soon discovered that she was just a selfish, toxic, woman who basically was manipulating and using me. She never supported me or tried to be there for me. I chose holly because that’s who I saw my future with, the future I had been trying to obtain for years. I had finally met the woman I was destined to be with.
I worked time and time again to prove to her how much I loved her. How much I was In love with her and wanted to be with her. I had never felt this way about anyone before. I wanted her to see that I was always devoted and dedicated to her, appreciated her even when I forgot to say it. And when things finally started looking up my mom passed away unexpectedly. It was holly who was there to comfort me and hold me as I cried on the phone to hear my mom wasn’t going to survive. Holly was the first person I went to for everything. Not only was she comforting me in my time of grief and need but she was extremely supportive in my time of need as well as my family.
After my mom passed I got a tattoo because things were still tough and I was depressed and upset. The tattoo was a reminder that “I'll never fuck up again” unfortunately I did fuck up again. I let myself be controlled by my depression and fear of losing anyone close to me I become more closed off struggling to solve problems on my own instead of using the support and love from holly that she made tremendous effort to give.
The next couple of months were the hardest. We were entering into the Holiday seasons and it was the first ones I would spend without my mom. I was also taking on a new promotion at work which put a toll on me and holly. I was also hating myself because holly would never get to spend that family time with my mom like she already should have been but hadn’t because I was an Asshole. I know my mom would have loved her. She even mentioned how pretty she was at my sisters wedding which was the only time my mom saw her.I regret that I didn't bring holly around earlier in our relationship so my mom would have learned to love her just as I know she would. She smiles down on my from above happy that I had met holly and holly was there to help.
The rest of my family accepted holly right away and I was grateful for that. No previous girlfriend or relationship had ever been accepted by my family. It was just further proof that my heart was with the right person. After the holidays the next 8 months flew by. We had ups and downs. And I continued to struggle with my emotions and trying to get us to the place I thought would make us the ultimate happy. But I was to focused on the future that I wasn’t living in the present where I should have been.
I wasn’t showing her my happiness that she brought me. I was in a place to be with the perfect woman. Someone I could fully commit to, never lie, cheat, or hold anything back. She’s my best friend and the person I look to when I just need a venting session. I can always look at her and just instantly smile. She is the most beautiful woman inside and outside, she’s smart, funny, a dreamer, and I couldn’t ask for anymore. I will always be committed to loving her, cherish, adore, respect her, support her dreams, be a partner when she needs one. I wanna be her rock when she needs it and also the one to help lift her up so she can soar like I know she can. She has so much in her that I see like no one before.
She has shown me that I never lost that piece of me I had years ago. All I needed was to open up and let her in and show her my love in return. To give up ME for US. I want to show her that the mistakes of the past can be past and not repeated.
I want all the things we planned for our future. I want to marry holly something I have never truly wanted to commit to before but with her I was happily ready to be married. I want to have kids with holly, buy a house and get pets together with holly. I wanna choose her first for every occasion. Never allow work to interfere, spend every holiday with her family. Never miss an important event, birthday or family function. This is why I chose to redo my tattoo, not only will I never fuck up again, I will never fuck up again with the woman who has captured my heart. She is and will continue to be the only person I’ve ever truly and fully been in love with. There will never be another. That’s why I am more than comfortable enough knowing that tattooing it on me is never a mistake.
The person I was meant to be for you that I promised I would be is not gone, he was just trapped under the surface of my depression. That loving, caring, supportive, romantic person is still in love with you and still there for you. The guy who laughed and joked with you, who could just sit and stare at you for hours and smile, who spent every waking minute thinking about you and when he was going to see you is still there. The dinners out, the visits at work, the kitty cat battles, goat faces, our funny dances, the sticky notes we leave each other, the words we make up like lovastinga, the walks in the park playing together with pax, the carnivals, and trips to the zoo and see lights, plans to take vacations together. He’s still there. He just needed to be reawakened and learn to let go of the stuff that doesn’t matter.
I acknowledge I made the worst mistake anyone ever can. I will spend my entire life apologizing for that. I won’t always love you like I did in the beginning because I’m going to continue to love you more every single day. As long as we’re together you will never have to worry about where I am at, what I am doing, how I am feeling. I would show you everyday with all that I am capable of and try to give you even more
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