Venting to family of love lost

You two are the only family I ever really confide in. So I don’t know if I need to vent or need a sounding board or just support. I’m trying so hard to accomplish something great. But it put a strain on holly and I. My stress from the job and trying to get this house and possibly working two jobs. I was less attentive to her than I should have been. We still were together and still had the best moments of my life. But I think my annoyance of where I was in life has transferred over to her thinking I’m annoyed and her. Which definitely is not true. I’ve never found a person who has completed me so much than her. I’ve never been as in love with someone as her and wanting to be married to someone as much as I do her. 

I never wanted to marry Bonnie, I never wanted to marry Anna, fooled myself into thinking I needed to marry Annissa. Holly is the only one I’ve ever wanted to marry that wasn’t because we already had kids together. Holly has been my rock and my support system and I see I wasn’t as much of one for her as I should have been. But she’s the only person I’ve actually foresaw a future with in the longest of terms. And we all know I’ve never been a big believer in marriage after my parents many failed marriages. So for her to make me a believer is something truly special. I don’t want to make promises to her that can be broken, just assurances that she’ll never fear the future that we can create and I’ll always be by her side. 

I want to give her everything of me. Raise her son like he’s my own, have a child of our own, basically I want what you girls have but I want it all with her. And I don’t know what to do anything to make her believe that’s what I want because like I said my effort was lacking and I over looked the damage it was causing. Along with the text message from Bret saying “dads in hospital, doesn’t look like he has long to live” my broken heart is going to be damaged more so. And the one woman who saved me from it all before isn’t around to lean on. I’m lost and don’t know my path anymore. I miss her being next to me and how clingy it felt but in the bestest possible way. She’ll never have to worry about if I ever want her or not because it’s always a yes I do.